I could hardly swallow food down. I honestly never felt this useless in my whole life before. I banged the merc, and I looked so terrible that my mum turned out to be comforting me instead of me apologizing a million times until she accepted it. Funny huh? Well, I feel horrible because I could have avoided this happening, but I didn't. I chose to take the merc out eventhough we could have taken my friend's car. Gosh.
This is my fault.
So yeah. Im ready to take any consequences that comes. I deserve it. I'm so sorry.
Anyways, it's 12 and im feeling like sharing my story for whoever that wants to read about it. So, here goes ... everything.
I remembered the last time I really loved someone, It was just last year. I really loved him, God knows why. I can still remember the time when we first met each other and how his face lit up instantly seeing it was me. I still remember when he first commented on my video on the 1st of October, never expecting that we would have gone as far as we did then. We started out as total strangers, but music really made us connect in such an amazing way. Slowly, we got to know each other, and being my usual me, I put everything into it. I remembered how i would stay up till 3 just waiting for him to finish his game so we could talk. Thing about me, when i want someone enough, Im willing to sacrifice almost anything, sleep included. I guess you could say it's my kryptonite. Eventually, I reach the stage where I just put my all into it and that's when I'm most vulnerable. He could just say that he's sorry for not replying me and my mind goes into overwork thinking that he could have been texting someone else, or on the phone with another girl. Jealousy hits. And, what do I do? I say
" It's fine. "
Yes, i choose not to confront because I know that if I do, they would think I'm a total control freak and that would cause them to push me away. But being as crazy as I was for him, I wanted him to stay. So, I let him take advantage of me. He could go on for days without any contact with me whatsoever and when he finally do, all i say is that
" I miss you. "
Not even asking for a single answer. Just so he'll think that I'm different. Honestly, I'm not a girl that needs your 100% attention all the time, But it would be nice if I could at least receive a simple text saying goodnight once in a while. I don't expect a lot.
Well, that's beside the point, after just 10 days, he texted me and told me that he missed me when he was in school. And for that moment, I could feel what girls pray years to feel for a guy. I fell in love with a complete stranger. He really made me believe that maybe guys are not complete jerks. So, after a month or so, our conversations had turned from " I wish you were here beside me right now so i can hold you so tight and never let go " to " miss you. " It was so clear that everything was starting to fall apart. So, i finally built the courage and told him that our conversations were just getting so predictable. He agreed and that was when our " breather " started. This happened 3 months down the road. All our late night calls dissapeared. When a text came in, i'd jump for my phone to see if it was him. In the end, we just let things go. Everything slowly fell into how things were before that night, that October 1st night. Then, one day I got a text asking me how was my exam going. I didn't answer his question that night. i asked,
" Did you mean it? When you said that we'll make things work again after our exams? "
all he had to say was.
" I meant it when I said it. "
Yeap, he sure did. We never even tried after exams. He lived his life and I lived mine. We went our separate paths.
Strangers, Again.
I don't know why it is that this was the ONE relationship in my 17 years of life then that made the most impact on me. After him, All i remember was texting, calling, skyping to at least 5 guys every night. I'd go out with different guys all the time. Not giving a damn about slowing down or catching up. I completely lost my faith in guys . I even reached a point where my best friends just gave up on keeping track and told me to tell them when I stop playing the field. I still remember my godbrother telling me this,
" Take love as a game and you'll never lose. "
And that's exactly what I did, until now, until I met you.
Our story's not exactly the simplest one to be told. But, it's definitely a story worth telling in time. I want so bad to make this work, but I'm not sure if I have the strength in me to hold on. I've been hurt so many times before. And, I don't want to play with fire. I just want somebody to love. I want to be able to dream about how our next date will go. I want to be able to dream about you shaking my father's hands. I want to be able to believe that I won't get my heart broken this time around. I want to be able to call you and know that if you're on the line with someone else, you'd tell them to call you back later. I want to feel like you love me too and not just tell me that you do. It's not an obligation, it's a feeling, a feeling that you want to care for someone else, and it's not a need. And the problem is that I don't even know what's my stand with you. Maybe our definition of love is completely different.
I literally feel my stomach flip when i hear the Skype message tone hoping it's you. I check my phone 5 times in a minute just to see if you talked to me. I'm crazy for you. When you talk to me, I really do feel like you're talking to just me, and not using it as a line. I believe that you really do care about me. I just need to know that you won't hurt me as bad as all the others have.
Half of my heart.
