Now, i see it clear.

Well, SEMESTER 2 JUST BEGINNED.
and, i need a holiday already. :/

Hee. Oh well, I'm so tired all the time in class and all I do is fall asleep cause my brain just can't absorb anymore. LALALA, whatevs. Ill catch up, soon.

I'm pretty proud of my Sem 1 results actually, 4 As (; Not bad, eh? Im especially proud of Econs. I'm really new to it, but somehow still managed to get 84! WOOTS.

On a lighter note, i'm thinking of running away for a holiday after my trials next months. I honestly CAN'T WAIT. (: I'm thinking of somewhere nearby, with no absolute care in the world for the time being and it'll just be the few of us. Sounds wonderful. :D

I dont know what happened, But i've been rather happy today. I guess my friend really knocked some sense into when she said

" The best revenge you'll ever get is to be happy "

I figured, there's no point worrying, life's too short. (: So, I've been smiling, all day. And, i feel so much lighter now. Gosh, no more emo-ness. This feels good.

And, I'm currently 2nd place in my online talent quest! I sure do hope I can get enough votes by tmrw. BY TMRW. :/ EEEK. i need like 300 more. DAMN. im wishing for a miracle. HAHA. But,

Nothing's impossible :D

I've been really missing high school these past few days. Weird, probably cause I've been scrolling through my pictures. Gosh, I miss high jump, sports day, sitting on the very-dirty-floor of the classroom talking so loud that people at the other end of the room could hear us too, I miss being able to see my silly friends for 9 hours everyday, miss the teachers, miss the easier syllabus, basketball, handball, my teammates. I miss everything and everyone that made my 5 years of high school such a memorable one.

Every good thing has to come to an end.

I hate that saying. really do. :/

I'm on the edge with you (:

My wish.

Figured I let pictures do the talking today.

yeah.

I really do.

I deserve to be happy. So, that's what I am going to do.

The last chapter.

Yeah. I feel like crying.

So how come when I reach out my fingers,

It feels like more than distance between us?

***

It's a quarter after one,

I'm all alone,

and I need you now.

***

I can't take this anymore. Why'd you have to tell me you love me? I really don't think I can handle this anymore. I've honestly never felt so helpless before. I've never cared so much before. i've never had the urge to cry for a guy before, till now. Why did you have to come back in my life? Why did it have to be you?

I've really given up fighting with you. I don't have the strength to, not anymore.

You know, how much I've been hurt before, and I really don't wanna reach pit bottom and have to slowly stand up again. it's not the easiest thing.

I just want you to be happy and to find someone who can make you feel as much as I do for you.

(:

You were right, you don't deserve this.

you deserve better.

I love you.

Archiepedia.

I just got back from my ballet concert awhile ago. (: and, damn, I'm really happy!

So, what happens when you add

Archie + Wikipedia?

you get,

ARCHIEPEDIA :D

Basically, the story was revolving around ARCHIES. (: yes, that comic! So, everything that was used as a part of the storyline was started in 1969. how cool huh? There was, romeo and juliet, sesame street, scooby doo, adams family, woodstock and many more.

right now, my limbs are all hurting. Cause, i had 4 dances ( including a fun dance! ) and a singing performance. It was really REALLY tiring, running up and down getting changed. :/ But, definitely worth it.

oh yes, there was this part of the concert where my teacher pulled me out and made me do

" THE JOEY. "

yeap. she named it after me -.- HAHAH, it's a move that I do when I don't really wanna listen to her in class. That was hell funny! :D

So, yeah, that's it! a really fun night indeed!

I missed you, that's all.

Listen.

How did we get here?

You won't even talk to me now. I know I've hurt you. But, haven't you ever thought that by talking to me about how you want to find the one hurts me too? You know? Here I was thinking that we were having a thing. it's the small little details that you let on to make me believe that we're just friends. Okay, so, if we're just friends, why does it matter?

please, explain to me. You can't say that I'm cheating on you, if we're not even together. If we're just friends, why does it matter that you're just another one of the five guys i talk to? Why does it matter ? I really REALLY don't understand.

And, you're not listening to me. You just say what you want to say. I dont have any comebacks to why I dated the other guys. Am i supposed to have reasons? All i know, we were nothing more than friends. I think that I have the right to go out with other guys, no? you see, what's the difference between you and i? I play with my heart, Yes, when i go out with a guy, I start thinking about possibilities of getting together. So what? Don't all girls do that? If i didn't play with my heart, do you actually think we would have came this far?

And do you even know what's the difference between LIKING someone and LOVING someone? I haven't even said I love you to a boy since my first boyfriend. I haven't used such a strong word with anyone after him. Not once did I ever use it with my flings. But, somehow, I said it to you, doesn't that tell you something?

I know, right now, all that's running in your mind is anger. But, settle down, listen to my side of the story too. I waited for you. I definitely did. If i didn't, I wouldn't even give a fucking damn about our skype calls. I wouldn't even fucking bother about telling you exactly why I care about you. I wouldn't even fucking care about you.

I could have gotten together with anyone I wanted in these past few months, you know why i didnt? Because I knew you'd be back in July, ask my friends if you don't believe me. They know, cause everytime they'd ask me why I won't let things go far, I'd tell them this exact reason. I just want to believe that maybe, just maybe, we'll grow to become more than friends.

You want the truth? You're the only one that I always run back to in the end. Maybe I made you feel like you were always my Plan B. That's cause I always thought that you were doing the same. You're in a whole other different country as I am, and I can't control what you do. but, I just hope that at the end of the day, you do come back to me. That's all I wanted.

I admit, i did play with a lot of other guy's feelings. But, did I with yours? Please, enlighten me. Have I ever hurt you before this? I've always apologized the second I knew I did something wrong when it came to you. I know you're fragile after everything that had happened with her. I tried my best to cater to you. I wanted to be the one who make you happy. I wanted to be the one to cheer you up when you needed me to. I wanted you to be able to trust me.

I know you don't believe me anymore. But, you are really the guy that I want to be with. and you telling me that we're just friends is just crap. We're not just friends, and you know that. You wouldn't care about this if you thought we were just friends. But, why won't you admit it?

You're not the only one who's hurting.

Jar of hearts.

I know I can't take one more step towards you

'Cause all that's waiting is regret.

And who do you think you are?

Runnin' 'round leaving scars

Collecting your jar of hearts

And tearing love apart

You're gonna catch a cold

From the ice inside your soul

So don't come back for me

Who do you think you are?

Story to be told.

So, today's probably the worst day ever.

I could hardly swallow food down. I honestly never felt this useless in my whole life before. I banged the merc, and I looked so terrible that my mum turned out to be comforting me instead of me apologizing a million times until she accepted it. Funny huh? Well, I feel horrible because I could have avoided this happening, but I didn't. I chose to take the merc out eventhough we could have taken my friend's car. Gosh.

This is my fault.

So yeah. Im ready to take any consequences that comes. I deserve it. I'm so sorry.

Anyways, it's 12 and im feeling like sharing my story for whoever that wants to read about it. So, here goes ... everything.

I remembered the last time I really loved someone, It was just last year. I really loved him, God knows why. I can still remember the time when we first met each other and how his face lit up instantly seeing it was me. I still remember when he first commented on my video on the 1st of October, never expecting that we would have gone as far as we did then. We started out as total strangers, but music really made us connect in such an amazing way. Slowly, we got to know each other, and being my usual me, I put everything into it. I remembered how i would stay up till 3 just waiting for him to finish his game so we could talk. Thing about me, when i want someone enough, Im willing to sacrifice almost anything, sleep included. I guess you could say it's my kryptonite. Eventually, I reach the stage where I just put my all into it and that's when I'm most vulnerable. He could just say that he's sorry for not replying me and my mind goes into overwork thinking that he could have been texting someone else, or on the phone with another girl. Jealousy hits. And, what do I do? I say

" It's fine. "

Yes, i choose not to confront because I know that if I do, they would think I'm a total control freak and that would cause them to push me away. But being as crazy as I was for him, I wanted him to stay. So, I let him take advantage of me. He could go on for days without any contact with me whatsoever and when he finally do, all i say is that

" I miss you. "

Not even asking for a single answer. Just so he'll think that I'm different. Honestly, I'm not a girl that needs your 100% attention all the time, But it would be nice if I could at least receive a simple text saying goodnight once in a while. I don't expect a lot.

Well, that's beside the point, after just 10 days, he texted me and told me that he missed me when he was in school. And for that moment, I could feel what girls pray years to feel for a guy. I fell in love with a complete stranger. He really made me believe that maybe guys are not complete jerks. So, after a month or so, our conversations had turned from " I wish you were here beside me right now so i can hold you so tight and never let go " to " miss you. " It was so clear that everything was starting to fall apart. So, i finally built the courage and told him that our conversations were just getting so predictable. He agreed and that was when our " breather " started. This happened 3 months down the road. All our late night calls dissapeared. When a text came in, i'd jump for my phone to see if it was him. In the end, we just let things go. Everything slowly fell into how things were before that night, that October 1st night. Then, one day I got a text asking me how was my exam going. I didn't answer his question that night. i asked,

" Did you mean it? When you said that we'll make things work again after our exams? "

all he had to say was.

" I meant it when I said it. "

Yeap, he sure did. We never even tried after exams. He lived his life and I lived mine. We went our separate paths.

Strangers, Again.

I don't know why it is that this was the ONE relationship in my 17 years of life then that made the most impact on me. After him, All i remember was texting, calling, skyping to at least 5 guys every night. I'd go out with different guys all the time. Not giving a damn about slowing down or catching up. I completely lost my faith in guys . I even reached a point where my best friends just gave up on keeping track and told me to tell them when I stop playing the field. I still remember my godbrother telling me this,

" Take love as a game and you'll never lose. "

And that's exactly what I did, until now, until I met you.

Our story's not exactly the simplest one to be told. But, it's definitely a story worth telling in time. I want so bad to make this work, but I'm not sure if I have the strength in me to hold on. I've been hurt so many times before. And, I don't want to play with fire. I just want somebody to love. I want to be able to dream about how our next date will go. I want to be able to dream about you shaking my father's hands. I want to be able to believe that I won't get my heart broken this time around. I want to be able to call you and know that if you're on the line with someone else, you'd tell them to call you back later. I want to feel like you love me too and not just tell me that you do. It's not an obligation, it's a feeling, a feeling that you want to care for someone else, and it's not a need. And the problem is that I don't even know what's my stand with you. Maybe our definition of love is completely different.

I literally feel my stomach flip when i hear the Skype message tone hoping it's you. I check my phone 5 times in a minute just to see if you talked to me. I'm crazy for you. When you talk to me, I really do feel like you're talking to just me, and not using it as a line. I believe that you really do care about me. I just need to know that you won't hurt me as bad as all the others have.

Half of my heart.