The day it all ended

March 6th.

So much has happened, I've been through hell and back. Faced with so many problems that I've had to deal with on my own. But, somehow, I made it through. I'm more settled now, i'm glad to say. Studying abroad is NOT easy, far from actually. The strength you'll have to own is crazy.

I've been on a roller coaster, but it's finally straightening out, my path. I finally found the courage to end things this week. As much as I loved him, I just can't imagine my future with him. It was my fault to have dragged it on this long. I should have listened to my parents when they told me.

It's really hurtful to know that there was no way i could end things without hurting him, but I believe he'll move on from me, eventually. Just wish he'll understand. But, i know that's just wishing for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Oh well, I'll just have to let him deal with it his own way, even if that means he's gonna go on dating sprees or what not.

x

beautiful

Woke up today and the sun is out shinning so brightly. (: Got to love days like these. Ahh, but, sadly, i'll be home studying. Rotted the whole damn day yesterday. Though, I did make pan mee for dinner! and i had tong sui. HEE. cravings satisfied for the moment. Just, 2 more weeks. OHMYGOSH. im so damn excited!

We're beautiful, like diamonds in the sky.

I'm coming home.

just 2 more weeks and ill be home bound. I'm so damn excited!!!! AH, finally I'll get to be reunited with my love ones. (:

Try.

Everyday, I'm learning, to be strong by myself.

But, i still wish you were here to help me through days like these. 

My promise to you.

I hate that every good thing has to end.

It's so hard to let go. But, i know we both have to learn to, it's just now or later. You've been nothing but the best for me. and the love you showed me, the love you taught me is just more than i can ever ask for. you changed me, you made me a different girl altogether. These 2 years with you, i would have never asked for a change. cause despite the fights we've had, or the storms we've had to faced togehther, so be it with my parents or with our friends, we fought past it. It was all still worth it, i must say.

I hate that i had to leave this relationship behind. I really wished that you were here, studying abroad with me. Maybe then, we could have made things worked. But, for now, with everything playing against our odds, we just need to start learning how to move on. It's not going to be easy, for both of us, but we got to try and if at the end of the day when im back in Malaysia, and our paths cross again, maybe then we'll be more ready to face the world together, and begin our romance all over again.

I'm sorry i hurt you. but, always know that im hurting too. cause, you're just that part of me i can never let go off. no matter who comes and goes in my life, know that you're the one that will always stay in my heart, even now that you want me completely out of your life. I will never stop loving you, i may love you less than i did. But, ill never stop loving you, might be as a friend, or maybe more. but, you'll always be with me. and, i dont believe i can ever find someone to completely replace you.

You have been the best part of my life. I wish that didn't have to end, but what am i to do? there is nothing we can change about this. This is life, and we're gonna be thrown in a million different problems.

I miss you so much. And i dont know how to live without you, i really dont want to loose you, because you make me feel less lonely, you're the only one that makes me feel complete. you're my best friend, my first love, my comfort zone. I just wished it didn't have to end. I just wish you didn't have to completely leave me to find yourself.

But, whatever it is. I hope you find someone to love. I hope you move on, but never forget the love we shared. I hope your pain will fade away, though i know it will with time.

Just know that at the end of the day, I will always be here for you. I promise you that much.

I wanna go home.

It's a new beginning.

So, im studying in the UK now. uni has started for a month now, and I was just studying my financial accounting just now. Then it hit me, this is what my life is going to be like for the next 3 years.

It's so difficult to be away from home. It's so hard. Time and time again, i catch myself wondering why the fuck im doing here, i guess all i could come up was to get a good degree, go back to malaysia and earn good money. How i wished malaysia's education system was better.

I regret many things in life, even though people tell me that i should never regret anything. But, i honestly regret not having really taking the time to check through courses as well as universities. My choices, were all made in a day or two. I didn't even bother going to the uni websites to do my research. I never considered US properly. Idk. It feels like I just came to bristol only because it was the only choice for me. For that, I feel really disgusted with myself.

I feel so alone here sometimes, even with my friends around me. I just really want to come to class and go back home. Home, where my parents and brothers will sit in the dining table where we would have dinner together. If you were to ask me, I would say i miss malaysian food, but I've just came to realise that it's not the food i miss, it's the company.

I miss being in my comfortable bed. I miss being able to walk to my parents room just to watch masterchef. I miss annoying my little brother sometimes even though he's just sitting infront of the computer and ignoring me. I miss going for friday's 1for1 movie. I miss my family. I miss my friends.

I wish there was something i can do. But, i'll just try to make the best out of my one year here atm. I'm really gonna work hard, study hard, get into LSE next year. At least there, I'll have my best friends with me.

I just need to stay strong and carry on.

And for my parents, I will do exactly that.

Fuck this.

Like, OH MY GOD. let me be clear with you guys, If you continue acting this way, I can't guarantee that I wont run away from home. GOSH. I HATE IT. I'M HAVING ENOUGH FUCKING PERSONAL PROBLEMS WITHOUT YOU TWO MAKING IT FUCKING WORST FOR ME.

IT'S NOT EASY BEING 19.

Can't you guys just fucking ACCEPT that he's my boyfriend? And, I'M HAPPY. SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN I HAVE BEEN. I STOPPED BEING A BITCH. I STOPPED ISOLATING EVERYONE AWAY. I'M GOING BACK TO BEING THE HAPPY SOCIABLE GIRL I USED TO BE.

I really dont know how long more can i fight. I really don't. Even others tell you that IT'S MY LIFE. IT IS MINE, MINE, NOT YOURS. let me make my own history. LET ME MAKE MY OWN CHOICES. Let me be. Let me make my own mistakes. let me learn to stand back up if i fall. LET ME LEARN.

Don't expect me to be the perfect daughter you've always pictured. Cause lately, I'm not sure if i can keep up to your expectations. I'm doing the best I can. And, I really hope you don't push me to the edge. Everyone has limits. And, mine, isn't too far away, just so you know.

I'm not sure how much I can stand.

I'm so glad I'm going away for 3 days. I'm SO FUCKING HAPPY. I'm so fucking glad ill be at least 2 hours away from this supposed place i call home.

It's easy. How in the world is he affecting my life. MY GRADES ARE UP. MY SOCIAL LIFE IS BETTER THAN EVER. I'M SPENDING MORE TIME W MY BROTHER THAN EVER. I might go out alot. BUT, I DO TOO WITH YOU GUYS. My fridays are normally spent w you guys watching movies. I DON'T EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF THINKING WHO SHOULD I PICK.

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY HE MAKES ME FEEL?

you've been in love before. You should know how happy you get. WHY CANT YOU GUYS BE HAPPY FOR ME? I don't get it. WHY CANT YOU GUYS ACCEPT IT. why?

He's not what you guys CLAIM he is. I know he's done stupid things to prove you guys wrong. BUT, he regrets everything he's done. And, YES, I know it isn't much. BUT, COME ON DUDES. haven't heard of SECOND CHANCES? I'm sure you had them at least once in your life.

Admit it, you're just being fucking prejudice about this whole shit. And, it's pissing me off.

I AM HAPPY.
CANT YOU BE HAPPY FOR ME?

Honestly.

Honestly you did it to yourself,
So don't blame me.

I'm gonna go
cause I got no problem w saying goodbye.

put yourself in my shoes.

You never think about me.

Do you never think about how I would feel? You think you're sad, but try being me.

Just, fyi, allowing you to give a random girl your number is NOT being sporting, If a girl was to be SO GOD DAMN SUPPORTING of her boyfriend giving his number to another girl, IT WOULD JUST MEAN THAT SHE WANTS TO GET RID OF HIM. so, Fine, if you really want me to be SPORTING about giving that girl your number, sporting I will be.

Think about this way. Would your be " SPORTING" enough to allow me to give my number to a random guy? If yes, THEN OKAY. We have a compromise.

I have no fucking idea how you could turn this shit on me. To think you're blaming me for NOT BEING SPORTING? and Let's get this out on the table, I am proud of you. I KNOW you can get any girl you want BUT you choose me. And, i am proud that other girls do want you. BUT, GIVING A GIRL YOUR NUMBER? How is that supposed to make me PROUD? Like. Seriously?

Your arguments are FLAWED. just so you know.

This SHIT is not to be put on me. I have tried my VERY fucking best to be understanding. but, this is in no way testing my UNDERSTANDING skills. NO.

And thank you SO very much for leaving me be and not trying to work things out. THANK YOU. I appreciate that. Yes, I UNDERSTAND that it was VERY FUCKING important for you to play with our brothers in the pool instead of trying to get me to talk to you. YES, I UNDERSTAND.

I dont get you. And, I'm not sure I ever will.

Stick and stones.

I know i've hurt you. 

I know that no matter what I say, you're not gonna listen.

I know that you're acting this way because you care.

I know. 

And i'm just sorry for deleting the messages. I just knew that if you read it, you'd be pissed. everytime you read his messages, you would be, ever since the last time you found out he insulted you and i didn't do anything about it. I know this is all my fault. But, I really don't know what to do. He jokes, we all do. So, what's the point of getting all agitated about it? and, i figured if you saw that he was flirting w me, you'd be even more pissed than you already were about him.

Hello :) This is God. Yes, God himself :) I just read your blog and i find it rather interesting. Tho you've been through some bad times but u still manage to stay strong and i'm proud of that. My main reason why i'm here in your blog is to tell you that your special someone is very fortunate and grateful to have you and he doesn't think you're ugly or fat all the time, and i mean all the time. You're wondering how I know so much of him. The answer is simple. "I'M GOD" ! So please, all i ask from you is just to cherish him for now and don't break him. Because if u do, i'll come sending hades after u :)

PS: Your special some one is one of my good friend

Till the world ends.

Heaven knows I'd walk through hell with you.

I miss you so much, but i'm feeling a little better, knowing that tomorrow i'm going to be with you, even if it's for the last day. I'm gonna treasure every single moment we have left together.

i love you.

We're not sad, we're broken.

It's just one more day till valentines.

I honestly though this year, i'd be having the best valentines ever. But, seems like everything can really change in just an hour.

You've been so good to me, and I really dont know how to let us go. Being with you, makes me so happy. And, we're just teenagers, don't we have the right to be happy? I know that our future's are just too different for us to go the long haul, but I still appreciate what we have right now, what we'll have for just one more day.

Parting with you is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I cried for 3 hours last night till i fell asleep because of you. thinking about how i'm not going to be able to embrace you in my arms or even kiss you and talk to you as frequently as i do. Calling you nicknames have been a habit for me, and i dont know how to stop. It's just too weird if i call you by your name.

I hate that my parents are breaking us up. I thought that when we finally told them, things would turn out even better, which was what happened for 2 weeks. until they gave up and decided we werent good for each other. I thought things like this would only happen in movies, i guess i was wrong.

Yesterday when we were on the phone, you said "see, now with my gone, you'll have more time on your studies and your friends" Do you knw how much that hurt me? I mean, whats the point when I won't be able to study with all these on my mind, and about my friends, they dont even wanna hang out w me. They dont care about me like you do. they don't buy me fruits when i feel like eating em. they dont drive me to college just because. they dont always find ways to make me laugh. they dont. you do.

I don't wanna loose you, but i know i have to. I just want us to be happy, we'll be alright in time. I hope.

I love you.

Near or Far

I'm just so happy I found you. You make my days so much better and happier. I miss you so much and i cant wait to see you tmrw (:

It's 2012!

It's the last day of 2011.

This year, went by so damn fast. Oh my gosh. Is it just me? D: well, anyways, the same ol' same ol'. 2011 was filled with tears, fights, hugs, make ups, laughter, joy, craziness, love, hurt. Everything, you name it. (: But, I'm a stronger person and a better one because of it, i'd like to believe.

what made it different from the rest?

1. I got to travel europe to end the year. I've been to Rome, Almafi Coast, Florence, Spent christmas in Venice and ending the year in Paris with my wonderful family. (: Even though i had to be away from my friends for this 3 weeks holiday, I'm glad i got to spend this christmas and new years with my family.

2. I started college, met new friends, finally started performing on stage more frequently.

3. I met a certain someone, who has made my life more interesting. (: I've had my share of heartaches, and now, i've finally met someone who i can truly trust and believe is not going to hurt me. He makes my life more colorful, and even though the journey of getting to where we are now has been bumpy, with the chase to the cries to the laughter and the joys, we finally got here. and there's nothing i would trade to have changed this experience.

New year resolutions?

1. TO LOSE WEIGHT. (:

2. To start my youtube career. Haha, and i mean that by being more active on youtube, start uploading more frequently.

3. To score 4 A*s for my upcoming A-levels.

4. To get into a good university (:

5. To make my family proud!

Wish for 2012?

For my family and friends to be healthy, be free from physical and mental pain and sufferings, be happy, excel in their studies, prosper in their businesses. (:

Well, happy new year's everyone. <3

May 2012 be filled with all kinds of surprises and joys! (;

This always happens.

Why am i always the one putting in the effort? Why? maybe i'm being over-sensitive, but still, aren't you supposed to be different? I'm trying to make this work, yet, you dont even seem like you care. And, idk. gosh. Wtv. maybe i'm just sentenced to bad love forever. -.-

great.

For the first time in a long time

I feel like even when i'm around you,

i miss you so much.

and i don't know why.

I want this feeling to last.

Cause i know you're good for me,

at least better than the last few.

I know you'll make me the happiest girl,

but i still can't bring myself to letting you in completely,

and i hate myself for that.

Maybe in time.

But for now,

I miss you.

kiss me slowly.

There are two type of guys in this world.

One that will walk away when you start having problems and

One that will stay and fight for what you two stand for no matter what you say.

After all, we're only human.

Gosh, I miss you.

I dont know why I always do this to myself. I know that If i went to check out how you were doing on fb, i'd start to remember how close we used to be, how close we were in making things work.

But, to you, I made things up. Things weren't supposed to turn out this way. You were supposed to come back, and we were supposed to go for picnics, watch movies, hang out and just spend time with each other.

I hate not knowing how well things could've went.

But, i guess, everything happens for a reason.

My friends told me that you've moved on, and they were so afraid of telling me, god knows why. But, I guess, i've accepted it. We all have to, eventually. I just want you to find a girl, that you can truly love and stop messing around with their hearts. We're human being, and as much as we deny it sometimes, we're fragile that way. We break, easily, especially girls.

Family always comes first.

Well well, hello there (: It's been awhile!

Holidays are ending in just 2 days. GAH. time flies so quickly these few months. ): I hate it! I just need to slow the time down a lil.

I just got back from Bangkok today afternoon. And, OHMYGOD.

The bad thing about bangkok?

The food there are delicious.

The bad thing about going to bangkok with my family?

they love eating and will never stop even after a full meal. :/ We literally had like 5 meals each day. IT'S CRAZY.

How much weight have I gained in just 4 days?

Probably around 5kg. -.-

What did I do there?

Eat, sleep, eat, sleep, eat sleep, eat, eat..I think you get the idea.

What was the trip for?

It was simply just for shopping, eating and chilling (; It was a really good vacation I needed ever so badly after trials. GAH. my AS is coming in just a month and guess what? I COULDN'T CARE LESS. well, no surprise there :P

What did you buy?

Around 15 pieces of clothings. (: The clothes there are SO CHEAP, i couldn't say no! Haha.

What was the best restaurant?

It has to be the german beer brewer place. OMG. BEST PORK KNUCKLE EVERRR. Like, im not kidding. it was seriously, HANDS DOWN, the best one I've ever tasted. And trust me, I've had my fair share of 'em. Btw, i know what you're thinking, German food in thailand? All i gotta say, my family cool that way :P

What else did I do there?

Oh, basically we travelled to most parts of bangkok namely Chong Nonsi, Sala Daeng, and others lah. the only reason I remember the names are because we took the train mostly! It's pretty expensive. It'd be cheaper to travel by cab but the traffic in Bangkok is SOOOO bad. :/ Worst than it is in KL. there were loads of small shops by the side, and they sell really cheap things! HEEHEE.

Best experience?

Definitely would have to be the dinner of the cruise. (: Yes, I've never had them before in KL (Star cruise isn't counted) we went to the jetty and took a boat to the restaurant and that's when we boarded the boat. It was a really peaceful 3 hours dinner. We got to check out the bangkok night scenery. It was beautiful, with all the lights and everything. All that was running through my mind was parents trap! you know? that show, where the kids set their parents up on the cruise. Damn, i want that. :P It'd be so beautiful if a guy booked the whole cruise just for us and then we'd have candle light dinners and bla bla bla. Well, after about an hour, my bro and I got real bored so we resorted to making a boomerang out of toothpicks. We were at that for probably half an hour. Haha, we're easily entertained. sad thing was, it was raining, so we couldnt have dinner on the upper deck! But, my bro and I went up to check it out! IT WAS SOOOOOOO BEAUTIFUL. My night would have been 10 times better, not saying that it wasn't good. But, i guess, it could've been better. The food, i'd say was not very good, cause it was that lunch that we had the DELICIOUS PORK KNUCKLE (: So, comparatively, that dinner was...nothing.

How was the trip overall?

It was an enjoyable trip. though, time flew by really quickly. I guess it may also be because we woke up only around 11! Whattt? It was meant to be a relaxing holiday. Im really happy i got to have this trip with my family. My family has really bonded ever since we moved into the new condo. And im really happy we have (:

Is that all about your trip?

Hmm, I guess so. Oh, what was so funny was that everytime we'd get in a cab, my dad would talk to the cab driver in teh chew hoping he'd reply in the same language. We concluded that 1 out of 3 would know the language. (:

So, yeah. Sorry about the Q&A format. :P It's actually much easier when I ask a question and answer it! If i missed out anything, I'll definitely be updating about it soon!

On a lighter note, my social life is back on track (;

And If you were wondering, yes, i was quite a mess the pass month! but, NOT ANYMORE!