The day it all ended

March 6th.

So much has happened, I've been through hell and back. Faced with so many problems that I've had to deal with on my own. But, somehow, I made it through. I'm more settled now, i'm glad to say. Studying abroad is NOT easy, far from actually. The strength you'll have to own is crazy.

I've been on a roller coaster, but it's finally straightening out, my path. I finally found the courage to end things this week. As much as I loved him, I just can't imagine my future with him. It was my fault to have dragged it on this long. I should have listened to my parents when they told me.

It's really hurtful to know that there was no way i could end things without hurting him, but I believe he'll move on from me, eventually. Just wish he'll understand. But, i know that's just wishing for a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Oh well, I'll just have to let him deal with it his own way, even if that means he's gonna go on dating sprees or what not.

x

beautiful

Woke up today and the sun is out shinning so brightly. (: Got to love days like these. Ahh, but, sadly, i'll be home studying. Rotted the whole damn day yesterday. Though, I did make pan mee for dinner! and i had tong sui. HEE. cravings satisfied for the moment. Just, 2 more weeks. OHMYGOSH. im so damn excited!

We're beautiful, like diamonds in the sky.

I'm coming home.

just 2 more weeks and ill be home bound. I'm so damn excited!!!! AH, finally I'll get to be reunited with my love ones. (:

Try.

Everyday, I'm learning, to be strong by myself.

But, i still wish you were here to help me through days like these. 

My promise to you.

I hate that every good thing has to end.

It's so hard to let go. But, i know we both have to learn to, it's just now or later. You've been nothing but the best for me. and the love you showed me, the love you taught me is just more than i can ever ask for. you changed me, you made me a different girl altogether. These 2 years with you, i would have never asked for a change. cause despite the fights we've had, or the storms we've had to faced togehther, so be it with my parents or with our friends, we fought past it. It was all still worth it, i must say.

I hate that i had to leave this relationship behind. I really wished that you were here, studying abroad with me. Maybe then, we could have made things worked. But, for now, with everything playing against our odds, we just need to start learning how to move on. It's not going to be easy, for both of us, but we got to try and if at the end of the day when im back in Malaysia, and our paths cross again, maybe then we'll be more ready to face the world together, and begin our romance all over again.

I'm sorry i hurt you. but, always know that im hurting too. cause, you're just that part of me i can never let go off. no matter who comes and goes in my life, know that you're the one that will always stay in my heart, even now that you want me completely out of your life. I will never stop loving you, i may love you less than i did. But, ill never stop loving you, might be as a friend, or maybe more. but, you'll always be with me. and, i dont believe i can ever find someone to completely replace you.

You have been the best part of my life. I wish that didn't have to end, but what am i to do? there is nothing we can change about this. This is life, and we're gonna be thrown in a million different problems.

I miss you so much. And i dont know how to live without you, i really dont want to loose you, because you make me feel less lonely, you're the only one that makes me feel complete. you're my best friend, my first love, my comfort zone. I just wished it didn't have to end. I just wish you didn't have to completely leave me to find yourself.

But, whatever it is. I hope you find someone to love. I hope you move on, but never forget the love we shared. I hope your pain will fade away, though i know it will with time.

Just know that at the end of the day, I will always be here for you. I promise you that much.

I wanna go home.

It's a new beginning.

So, im studying in the UK now. uni has started for a month now, and I was just studying my financial accounting just now. Then it hit me, this is what my life is going to be like for the next 3 years.

It's so difficult to be away from home. It's so hard. Time and time again, i catch myself wondering why the fuck im doing here, i guess all i could come up was to get a good degree, go back to malaysia and earn good money. How i wished malaysia's education system was better.

I regret many things in life, even though people tell me that i should never regret anything. But, i honestly regret not having really taking the time to check through courses as well as universities. My choices, were all made in a day or two. I didn't even bother going to the uni websites to do my research. I never considered US properly. Idk. It feels like I just came to bristol only because it was the only choice for me. For that, I feel really disgusted with myself.

I feel so alone here sometimes, even with my friends around me. I just really want to come to class and go back home. Home, where my parents and brothers will sit in the dining table where we would have dinner together. If you were to ask me, I would say i miss malaysian food, but I've just came to realise that it's not the food i miss, it's the company.

I miss being in my comfortable bed. I miss being able to walk to my parents room just to watch masterchef. I miss annoying my little brother sometimes even though he's just sitting infront of the computer and ignoring me. I miss going for friday's 1for1 movie. I miss my family. I miss my friends.

I wish there was something i can do. But, i'll just try to make the best out of my one year here atm. I'm really gonna work hard, study hard, get into LSE next year. At least there, I'll have my best friends with me.

I just need to stay strong and carry on.

And for my parents, I will do exactly that.

Fuck this.

Like, OH MY GOD. let me be clear with you guys, If you continue acting this way, I can't guarantee that I wont run away from home. GOSH. I HATE IT. I'M HAVING ENOUGH FUCKING PERSONAL PROBLEMS WITHOUT YOU TWO MAKING IT FUCKING WORST FOR ME.

IT'S NOT EASY BEING 19.

Can't you guys just fucking ACCEPT that he's my boyfriend? And, I'M HAPPY. SO MUCH HAPPIER THAN I HAVE BEEN. I STOPPED BEING A BITCH. I STOPPED ISOLATING EVERYONE AWAY. I'M GOING BACK TO BEING THE HAPPY SOCIABLE GIRL I USED TO BE.

I really dont know how long more can i fight. I really don't. Even others tell you that IT'S MY LIFE. IT IS MINE, MINE, NOT YOURS. let me make my own history. LET ME MAKE MY OWN CHOICES. Let me be. Let me make my own mistakes. let me learn to stand back up if i fall. LET ME LEARN.

Don't expect me to be the perfect daughter you've always pictured. Cause lately, I'm not sure if i can keep up to your expectations. I'm doing the best I can. And, I really hope you don't push me to the edge. Everyone has limits. And, mine, isn't too far away, just so you know.

I'm not sure how much I can stand.

I'm so glad I'm going away for 3 days. I'm SO FUCKING HAPPY. I'm so fucking glad ill be at least 2 hours away from this supposed place i call home.

It's easy. How in the world is he affecting my life. MY GRADES ARE UP. MY SOCIAL LIFE IS BETTER THAN EVER. I'M SPENDING MORE TIME W MY BROTHER THAN EVER. I might go out alot. BUT, I DO TOO WITH YOU GUYS. My fridays are normally spent w you guys watching movies. I DON'T EVER HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE TROUBLE OF THINKING WHO SHOULD I PICK.

WHY CAN'T YOU SEE HOW HAPPY HE MAKES ME FEEL?

you've been in love before. You should know how happy you get. WHY CANT YOU GUYS BE HAPPY FOR ME? I don't get it. WHY CANT YOU GUYS ACCEPT IT. why?

He's not what you guys CLAIM he is. I know he's done stupid things to prove you guys wrong. BUT, he regrets everything he's done. And, YES, I know it isn't much. BUT, COME ON DUDES. haven't heard of SECOND CHANCES? I'm sure you had them at least once in your life.

Admit it, you're just being fucking prejudice about this whole shit. And, it's pissing me off.

I AM HAPPY.
CANT YOU BE HAPPY FOR ME?